Starting in the middle
Like almost any other blog, Baby Love Child, starts where it starts.
A week ago today, I was sitting in the Adoption Ethics and Accountability Conference in Virginia. Part of the point of the conference was that there was the bedrock expectation that everyone attending would feel uncomfortable at some point during the course of the two day event. What they failed to mention was that for some of us, it would turn out to be excruciating from start to finish. Yes a few bright spots here and there, but they were certainly the exception.
For the moment, though, I’m going to hold off on writing about the conference itself (I need to pull some quotes first) and instead focus on what happened thereafter, because the aftermath, not the conference itself is what led to the eventual creation of Baby Love Child.
Each night, after a full day of conference sessions I came back to my hotel room, or home and scrawled out a few impressions of the day as a form of ‘core dumping’ and then e-mailed them off to a few friends. The reactions I got ranged from ‘that can’t be happening’ to ‘I had no idea- adoption issues are just never something I’ve had to look at.’ But mainly, my friends began to ask some questions about how all this ‘adoption stuff’ works (or doesn’t, as the case may be.)
For the past ten years I’ve been hip deep in staring at the ramifications of adoption, working with others (inappropriately) “touched by adoption”, and from time to time dipping my toes into adoption related activism. But my main focus in my day to day life has been reproductive autonomy and the ongoing rise of what people constantly mislabel the ‘religious right’. I wanted to support those doing adoption activism in whatever ways I could, but not necessarily end up focusing on, writing about, and fighting day by day in this field. My work constantly touches along the edges of it, but I try to remain as focused as possible considering the already sprawling nature of what I do. “I’ve already got too much on my plate!” I complained.
But it’s never that simple, is it?
Yes, the personal IS political, (but not universal!) but did that really mean I had to end up neck deep in working on adoption? I mean, the language is completely broken, the power disparities are massive and overwhelming. International child marketing and redistribution is almost too much to wrap one’s brain around. Add in reproductive technologies both emergent and old, and it’s enough to give a Bastard a migraine! (And I haven’t even gotten to why I use the word Bastard yet!) All of this on your typical pre-coffee morning is enough to make me throw up my hands in disgust and instead do what I can to help to help those for whom this IS their life’s work.
Unfortunately, therein was where the problem lay. Of course working and speaking as a Bastard is my life’s work; it would be impossible to separate out from the rest of what it is that I do. There is no one working in this field of identity preservation and “rights” that ISN’T completely overwhelmed and overrun most of the time. And that is by and large, a part of why my friends, even friends very clued in on other aspects of my life and work were just plain hearing something they had never heard before.
I come at this wearing so many hats, that those intersections and overlaps are perhaps something I might, on a good day, be able to write towards.
So by way of conclusion, enough people have convinced me that I should try, coupled with the hideous state of affairs I saw from even some of the ‘more clueful’ portions of adoptionland has finally convinced me to try to put fingers to keyboard. I hope you’ll bear with me as I repeatedly “start in the middle” on language, the lay of the land, etc as I try to write what I need to without all the pieces I need to do so having been created yet.
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October 24th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
I am thrilled you are blogging, followed you over from the lady who Shames the Matriarchy! 🙂
My flamingly gay* cousin comments on my blog, probably more than anyone else does, but I did not know he was my cousin at first. About three years ago, it was through genealogy that we discovered our families (enormous, taking up most of western North Carolina) were kin. We are probably something like 5th/6th cousins. And then I learned that he was adopted. I was very puzzled at why someone adopted would do genealogy, and then I thought, hey, why not? But I have never asked him this question, because on some gut level I know it will hurt him. I have always been totally accepting (I’ve always adored him without any reservation!!!!) , but I am still curious about it. Maybe reading your blog will answer this question for me, so I never have to ask him. Why would he do genealogy, is this something pathological or healthy? I have no idea, but he has traced our family way back to practically prehistoric times! He seems to enjoy it on one hand, but it seems almost like a mournful thing, on the other hand… again, I don’t pry. That ain’t the southern way!
His family and connections are of paramount importance to him, but interestingly, he also calls himself a bastard, just as you do. (He knows the circumstances of his adoption, which I won’t go into here; suffice to say, he qualifies as a bastard! LOL)
I am also interesting in adoption, since my husband adopted my daughter when she was very young. It both is and is not the same as “regular” adoption, since she did not know her biological father and is so close to my husband’s family.
Very interested in your posts, and adding you to my blogroll, so rock on! 🙂
*I mention this because I think it may have something to do with possible feelings of not-belonging. Possibly the genealogy is a way of endearing himself to those he considers family? Certainly, he is “the family genealogist” and many people have similarly wondered why, not just me. (He is probably closest to me, though.)
PS: Hey Biblical lady, I didn’t know that was you at DailyKos! … check out my Bob Jones post, they are majorly P-I-S-S-E-D O-F-F at me, and I got 2 really nasty emails, ending with apocalyptic Bible verses and everything. They are still too chickenshit to post though! 😛
October 24th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Thanks for the really interesting comment Daisy. I could write for a few hours on each of the topics you’ve brought up, but I’ll give you the condensed version.
* Why would a Bastard give a hoot about their adoptive family’s genealogies as anything other than understanding the people with whom they’ve been placed, as we share no genetic ties to their genealogy?
Well, that could take up a few books.
One possible reason is to understand the aspects of the name they now wear. It may also be useful in terms of understanding the attitudes, economic class background and expectations, etc of the family they were raised in.
Understanding the histories of our adopted family’s family can also become a living memorial to for example, perhaps a relative in the adopted family who was interested in genealogy but whose work was left unfinished. Thus the work is continued as a form of respect, rather than shared personal biology.
And yes, it can also be a way of ‘proving oneself to’ or ‘repaying’ those who adopted you. (I personally, don’t find that such a good thing, but maybe that’s just me. Adoption can create all kinds of feelings of indebtedness in adoptees who seek to, but can never seem to ‘repay’. This is tied to ideas of adoption as an act of altruism, which is not necessarily accurate.)
Knowing that history of the adoptive families can also provide other historical family models whose situations we may find in some way applicable to our own lives, as family narratives transcending biology.
For example, I can find my own adoptive family’s roots in events such as the Deerfield (MA) raid which resulted in some being taken on the forced march to Canada and later some choosing to remain having begun new lives there. These events have significance for me, in my own adoption related narrative, far beyond the lack of shared genetics.
* Your husband adopting your daughter- you bring up one of the most often overlooked forms of adoption- that being when one parent is biologically related and the other is not- hence the adoption. Usually, the son or daughter in question is aware of the lack of shared genetics, but in some families, if this is done at a young enough age, the information may be kept from the adoptee. Some may find out later (a one parent form of late discovery), others go through their entire lives never knowing- which in turn can lead to all kinds of medical decisions based upon incorrect information (Doc- ‘does your dad have a history of heart disease?’ Adoptee- ‘Nope.’ Never once knowing you have no shared genetic history.)
*Finally, gotta say, “Biblical lady” is just a term that’s gonna make my skin crawl. I’m just not “biblical”.
Surprisingly enough “BARF-lady” would be fine. (As in the Biblical America Resistance Front- Resisting the Biblical America, the other primary page I co-author.)
Anyhow, I went and took a look over at your BJU piece, yeah none of these folks are ever any too thrilled when former pieces of their websites come back to haunt them. archive.org’s Wayback Machine is your friend.
October 24th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Surprisingly enough “BARF-lady” would be fine.
heh…the more things change, the more they stay the same.
October 24th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
It’s an inescapable by-product of my existence.
Fortunately, I’m not the only womyn who can lay claim to said title. 😉