<sarcasm> <parody>

Day 7

As the first week after the quakes came to a close, America’s most important disaster relief workers, adoption agencies, shifted into high gear.

80 young survivors were loaded onto a plane bound for Philadelphia. There, they were united with their forever families for the first time.

The July 16th earthquakes devastated Maryland and also disrupted thousands of adoptions that were in process.  Eighty of these in-process adoptions will be closer to completion as the “MD 80″ join their new families in Pennsylvania. Of the 80 children, 58 came to Pennsylvania through Bethany Christian Services, the nation’s largest adoption agency.

The children are beneficiaries of a swift humanitarian response spurred by the July 16 earthquakes that devastated the state.

“”If the earthquake hadn’t happened, we would never have him so soon,” said one of the waiting adoptive parents. “Thank God for earthquakes!”

Last week, Washington announced an emergency plan to expedite adoptions from Maryland that were in the pipeline before the earthquake struck. Officials had estimated that between 700 and 1,000 Maryland orphans would benefit from the so-called “Humanitarian adoption policy” announced by Department of Homeland Secretary Janet Napolitano. But, “we keep finding more,” says Whitney Reitz, a senior official at U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, one of several government agencies that have gotten involved in the domestic effort.

The Department of Homeland Security issued a press release reassuring Americans that the “DHS is always prepared to step in when matters of adoption are concerned, children are our most important natural resource and among our highest priorities when it comes to foreign trade policies.”

Adoption agencies report a surge of interest. “We have had more than 1,000 families contact us to adopt in the last few days,” said Marc Andreas, marketing vice president of Bethany Christian Services of Grand Rapids, Mich.

(see Secretary Napolitano Announces Humanitarian Parole Policy for Certain Haitian Orphans Fact Sheet, Eighty Haitian Orphans Unite with Adoptive Families at Miami Hotel and U.S. Speeds Up Adoption Process, and Orphans Arrive.)

Day 8

The online outpouring of concern and support for the Maryland victims of the quake continues to grow with new facebook groups like  Support 2010 DC Earthquake Victims and I was alive for the 2010 baby earthquake in DC/Maryland.

Messages of support and the voices of those lucky enough to have survived fill the comments.

“The usual crowd this morning at Whole Foods but you could feel the tension in the air at the sushi counter. Clearly our world has changed and Flyover DC will never feel safe again.”

“The biggest concern I have is that once the media stops covering the event, the area and its victims will be forgotten and left to fend for themselves…..”

Desperately needed relief supplies are being sent from all over.

“This just in…our freinds in Bar Harbor Maine are sending lobsters….god bless them.”

And this plea, which included the now famous photograph seen around the world that has come to epitomize the shattered landscape of the Maryland suburbs.

“Please help! We are still trying to recover and rebuild from this terrible situation.”

But most of all, people’s thoughts were filled with concerns for the youngest victims.

“The children! What about the CHILDREN?!? Oh, won’t someone PLEASE think about the CHILDREN?!?!?!”

Day 9

Fortunately, some most certainly were thinking of the children, and how best to evacuate them from the danger zone.

Emergency flights brought supplies in and took children out.

Maryland residents protested, “But these kids have living relatives, they are not orphans!”

Fortunately, their cries were ignored.

But of all the people who thought of the children, one in particular stood out from the rest.

God placed it upon Laura Silsby’s heart to once again, gather her teams and make a plan to rescue Maryland’s littlest angels.

Fresh on the heels of her mission to Haiti, she quickly reassembled her missionary teams.

Within days of the quake, a team of missionaries from Texas set to work on an abandoned Howard Johnsons <yeah, I know the picture is from Dayton Ohio, it’s a work of parody, roll with it>  just over the Pennsylvania border. They set about beginning the process of retrofitting it to serve as an orphanage and retreat where would-be-adoptive parents could come and swim, eat, and relax with their Maryland orphans.

Meanwhile, Silsby herself and her reassembled team with members from Idaho, Texas and Kansas rented a church bus and crossed the border into the Maryland disaster zone.

After first attempting to collect children from various daycare centers with little to no success, the team turned to more reliable avenues.  After several hours spent collecting abandoned children from shopping carts in grocery stores,  the team turned to Rockville area “crisis pregnancy centers.” Sadly the Rockville Pregnancy Center had no fresh babies to offer, but they urged the Sislby team to get in touch with local area Catholic churches and Project Gabriel/Gabriel Network.

Saint Peter’s in Olney said they had no orphans to spare, but that the Silby team and their less than half full bus could at least spend the night in the parking lot.

(See part 1 for details on grocery cart “abanonments“, The 10 arrested Christian Scavengers had an adoption centered “mission” for the kids they were caught trying to remove illegally, the raw unvarnished audacity of of the (missionary) adoption mindset, Laura Silsby’s pipedreams of a future in the child containment industry, The 73 Haitian kids deserve genuine justice, not a premature release of the scavengers, Central Valley Baptist Church used its tax status for donations for Laura Silsby’s New Life mission, Haiti- The 33 New Life missionaries collected kids to be reunited with their families,  The 3 additional American members (on the Dominican Republic side of the border) of the 10 arrested American missionary scavengers’ team, & PersonalShopper.com CEO arrested while returning from child shopping trip to Port-au-Prince- by guest blogger Mike Doughney)

Day 10

The next morning, after collecting 16 kids from grocery carts in the Whole Foods in Bethesda, the team felt ready to return to Pennsylvania with their first full busload of orphans.

As they drove up Rockville Pike some of the children began to cry, yelling that they wanted their parents and that they wanted off the bus.

Reaching the construction zone near Randolph Rd, a police officer stopped the bus and boarded it. Many of the kids demanded to be returned to their parents.

The officer sternly reprimanded the missionaries and unloaded the kids off the bus.

(See Thwarted by a police officer in an earlier attempt 3 days before their arrests to export 40 *Other* kids- more on Silsby and the Scavengers)

Day 11

Her initial attempt having failed, Laura Silsby and her team decided to try again, this time in an area not as close to the quake epicenter, and not as prosperous.

The bus pulled into Baltimore and parked near the inner harbor. The missionary team fanned out, each with an armload of full color fliers promising kids that went with the missionaries would receive a “better life”, an education, that the kids would be able to swim in the pool and that the parents could come visit anytime they liked.

After talking to various parents  who were tourists at the National Aquarium, the Maryland Science Center, and even the carousel, they were still coming up empty.

Silsby knew that to fulfill God’s plan for the orphans of the great Maryland earthquakes, she was going to have to get creative in her approach.

One of the parents at the inner harbor witnessed her saying something to her team about “Going off to go find a grocery store in a black neighborhood, it’s not like they can afford to keep those kids. They won’t miss ‘em so much. Besides, adopters will still pay full price.”

That was the last anyone is willing to admit to having seen or heard from her or her team.

(See Haiti- New Charge brought against Laura Silsby, “organization of irregular trips”)

Day 12

The next morning, the church bus was found in Broadway East, a burned out shell. No sign of Laura Silsby or the missionaries, but a single sign was left hanging on a parking meter near the bus. It read:

Bawl’mer ain’t Haiti, Bitch.

Baltimore Police Commissioner Frederick H. Bealefeld, III placed a red pushpin into a Batlimore map at the site of the bus arson.

“It’s a terrible thing,” he said, shaking his head, and went on to cite the city’s record for the first four months of 2010 showed improvement. “Violent crime in Baltimore is on the decline for the third year in a row,” he bragged.

Meanwhile Sislby’s repair crew back in Pennsylvania packed rapidly and fled the decrepit hotel.

Day 13

Various National adoption agencies began to rethink their Maryland orphan strategy in the wake of the martyred missionaries.

In a  joint press statement from 13 adoption agencies, the crumbling situation was decried as too hazardous for adoption releif agencies to enter.  “Maryland is out of control, it has devolved into chaos and violence in the aftermath of the quake.”

The thirteen agencies have pledged to redouble their child saving efforts in other, less hazardous parts of the world.

Holt International was last seen working up a plan for Papua New Guinea, trying to get around the six month residency requirement, saying “Ethiopia is eventually going to run dry. We have to think about where international adoptions are going to come from next. We’re always keeping an eye out for places we can achieve relaxed restrictions and quick uncomplicated placements. The very existence of our industry is at stake!”

(See From Ethiopia… to your home)

</sarcasm> </parody>

Again,  I’m not genuinely comparing Maryland’s bump in the predawn hours to the ongoing catastrophe in Haiti, I’m merely making a point about the arbitrary nature of who gets declared an orphan and the absurd lengths the industry and would-be-adopters go to in the aftermath of natural disasters and how such is viewed as normative and all right, if not “baby saving”. I’m merely re-contextualizing, and pointing out other potential consequences in other situations for the sake of parody in hopes that maybe at least some people will stop to think.

Laura Silsby of course, continues on living out whatever is left of her sorry life between her debts, divorce, and Haitian ‘adventure’ unharmed.

[As credits roll]

Images of “baby’s scrapbook.” The book opens and inside we see, neat little photo corners holding hand lettered cards each dated month by month. As the pages turn we see letters from June, July, August, September.

Scene 1

[Camera focuses on a mail slot in a front door, then pans down to a pile of mail beneath it, a hand rifles through and stops when it comes to an envelope matching those in the scrapbook.]

J, holding a letter to her heart with a broad smile on her face. She sets the letter down on a table and picks up a phone.

“L! You’ll never guess what I got in the mail today! She invited me to his first birthday party!” (pause) “of course I’m conflicted, but how could I not? I have to be there!”

[Fade to black.]

[Title] JUNO 2: WHEN YOU’RE REALLY SCREWED

Not written by an ex-stripper

Scene 2

More images of baby’s scrapbook, with the following 3 months empty, now just empty pages containing no letters.

[Camera again focuses on the mail slot, then pans down to a pile of mail beneath it. Again a hand rifles through and stops when it comes to an envelope matching those in the scrapbook.]

J, throws the letter across the room and picks up a phone.

“L you won’t believe this! That Bitch! That lying bitch! She says I can’t come after all!”

[Fade to black.]

Scene 3

J is sitting in her parked car, hands gripping the steering wheel.

[camera turns from straight on head shot of J to side shot of J in the car in front of V's house.]

J reaches down and pulls up her cell phone, it reads 1:59pm, and the date, ending in 2008.

After several long moments, J gets out, opens the door to the back seat and pulls out a bouquet of balloons and a giant teddy bear with a happy birthday bow wrapped around its neck.

She nervously approaches the house, tries to smile broadly, and rings the doorbell.

[Door is opened by an elderly man]

Man: “Yes? What do you want?

J: “Uh, I’m here for the party”

M: “Party? What party? What are you talking about?”

J: “Um, could I please just speak with V?”

M: “V? Who they hell are you talking about, young lady? I don’t know no V!”

J: “But, but, V, she lives here with the baby”

M: “Oh, no, you’re talking about the lady that USED to live here, she moved out four months ago.”

[Door closes, J is left standing holding her gifts, stunned.]

Scene 4

J speaks with neighbors on each side, but isn’t getting anywhere. No one seems to know where V went. Finally the man in the house to the left of V’s house calls his wife to the door to talk with J.

Wife: “Oh yeah, like he said, about four months ago”

J: (Beginning to cry) “But I have to find my baby!”

W: “YOUR baby?!? Lady you are confused. That’s V’s baby!”

J: “No you don’t understand, I’m his birthmother, V adopted him.”

W: “No honey, YOU don’t understand, why I saw V herself back when she was pregnant!”

Husband: “Yeah, right before she left for Europe to go be with her mother and have the baby over there!”

J: “I’m telling you she wasn’t pregnant! She must have been stuffing her shirt! I’m the baby’s mother! I’m telling you, I’m the mother!”

Husband: “Well, I suppose you could try Yellowjacket realtors, they’re the ones who sold the house.

Scene 5

[set inside Yellowjacket realty offices]

J sits in a small chair across a VERY large desk from a man in a large chair wearing a yellow jacket with lots of plaques on the wall behind him.

Realtor: “I’m sorry honey, we just can’t give out that kind of information. Client confidentiality you know. All I can say is that she moved out of state.”

Scene 6

[set inside a Police department]

J stands in front of a VERY large intake desk where an officer stands high above her, looking down at her.

Policeman: “I’m sorry honey, you can’t file a missing person report merely based on a baby’s mother moving the two of them out of state. We had a call or two, we were out out the house, but I can’t really say anything about that, confidentiality and all. Anyway, they’ve moved on now, so it’s not our problem.

Scene 7

[Inside a shabby lawyer's office, it's small, cramped, and messy.]

J sits across a small desk from a rather bookish man with glasses. There are exactly two diplomas on the wall behind him. He’s pouring over a large dusty law volume.

Lawyer: “Look I’m sorry, but all Minnesota statute 259.58 says is that you can enter into an agreement regarding post adoption communications. It’s not legally enforceable unless the terms of the agreement were contained in a written court order entered in accordance with that section. You didn’t get a court order now did you?”

J shakes her head, no.

Lawyer: “I don’t suppose anyone bothered to tell you at the time you were going to need a court order. Oh well that’s kind of the way these things go. Look, by national standards Minnesota actually offers MORE protections than most states. Bottom line is, most places open adoptions simply are not legally enforceable. What V did is more common than you’d ever imagine. Well, that’s all I can do for you, but don’t worry too much, when he turns 18, he’ll come find you. Just keep in mind adoption was your choice!”

“Be sure to see my receptionist on the way out.”

He says the last bit while pointing to a medium sized yellow sign by the desk “payment is due at time of services rendered- no exceptions!”

Scene 8

J, sitting at a desk in a library with a computer, with a pad of paper and pen nearby. The clock above the station reads 2pm.

[Camera focuses in on screen, a webpage comes up: 'findanybodynowdamnit.net']

[fade]

same set, clock now reads 7pm.

[camera focuses on screen again, we see the cursor click on 'wefindemforafee.con']

Scene 9

An overcrowded noisy airport waiting room. We see J sitting cramped, hair askew between two other would be passengers and their piles of carry on luggage. She’s looking at a woman with a crying baby across the aisle.

Above J, directly and unavoidably in her field of vision is a television turned up way too loud. J is watching intently, while pretending not to care.

-on TV-

On the television screen we see ‘Opah’ in an airport waiting room, clean and neat, uncrowded, standing with a smartly dressed young woman holding a bouquet of balloons and a large teddy bear with a bow around its neck that said “I love you, mommy!”

Opah: “So are you finally ready to meet your mother who put you up for adoption almost 18 years ago?”

Young Woman: “You bet Opah!”

By now the plane arrives and passengers begin coming down the corridor and into the terminal.

The young woman finally sees a woman who looks very much like her. She turns to Opah who nods and smiles, and she runs to the woman and hugs her in a bear hug.

Young woman: “Mommy, I love you!”

Scene 10

J looking out an airplane window, then the camera pans back and the airplane departs

Scene 11

a large map of the United States

We see lines starting in Minnesota, going across the map again and again, state to state.

Scene 12

The first thing visible is a close in shot on a calendar, reading 2019

camera pulls back to find J in a school principal’s office. She’s on a small chair, across a VERY large desk from a stuffy war weary principal.

“I’m sorry young lady, we simply can not give out that sort of information, student confidentiality don’t you know.”

J sighs and gets up and leaves. As she closes the principal’s door behind her, the secretary at her desk motions her over.

“Not that I was listening mind you, but you might try the private schools here in town.”

Scene 13

J in a school headmistress’ office. She’s on a small chair across a VERY large desk from a Catholic nun. On the wall behind the desk is a very large crucifix looming over the entire room.

“I’m sorry young lady, we simply can not give out that sort of information. Our students come from many fine families and we simply must protect their confidentiality you know.”

Scene 14

J is sitting in her parked car, hands gripping the steering wheel.

[camera turns from straight on head shot of J to side shot of J in the car in front of the gates to the Catholic School]

After several long moments, a small knot of young girls in plaid skirts and white shirts with plaid ties come out from behind the gates to the public sidewalk.

J gets out of the car. She nervously approaches the girls, and holds out a slightly blurred photograph of a young boy. The edges are wrinkled, it has a few water spots on it, and the picture looks to be several years old.

J: “Excuse me, do any of you know this boy?”

The girls look at the picture for a few moments. Finally one speaks shyly.

Girl: “yeah, that’s Augustine, he used to go to school here.”

J: “he used to, how long ago?”

G: “oh last year, but he’s gone now.”

J: “Do you know where he is now?”

The girls shake their heads no.

J: “I really need to find him, I’m his mother.”

G: “No, you’re confused, I met his mother once, V.”

J: “Well, V is his adoptive mother, I’m his birthmother.”

G: “Like adoption?”

J: “Exactly”

The knot of girls begins to titter.

Girl 2: “Wow, were you like, an unwed teenage preggo?”

J (somewhat taken aback) “Well, that’s not exactly how I’d put it, but yeah.”

Girl 2: “Well, I’m glad you didn’t have an abortion, but why couldn’t you just keep your legs shut?”

J’s jaw drops.

The girls wait for a moment, but J is speechless. So they turn to walk away.

Girl 3: (said loudly as they walk away) “Slut!”

Scene 15

Another suburban house, J trying neighbors to each side again.

Neighbor: “All I know is that while they were here there were 3 of them, a real family.”

J: “She must have remarried.”

Scene 16

a large map of the United States

We see lines starting in Texas, going across the map again and again, state to state.

Scene 17

The first thing visible is a close in shot on a calendar, reading 2021

camera pulls back to find J in another police station.

J stands in front of a VERY large intake desk where an officer stands high above her, looking down at her.

Policeman: “Look honey, I just can’t tell you. Yes, were were out at the house 4 times in 2020, that’s all I can say. The kid’s a minor, I have to protect his confidentiality. In any case they’ve moved on now, so they’re not our problem.”

J sighs and gets up and leaves. As she closes the front door behind her, a secretary runs out to her.

“Not that I was listening mind you, but it was incest, that fellow was doin’ his little boy!”

Scene 18

J, sitting at a desk in a library with a microfilm machine, she has a pad of paper and pen nearby.

[Camera focuses in on screen, an article comes up- 'police called to neighborhood disturbance' ]

The article goes on to mention ‘no arrests, child’s name omitted to protect minor’s confidentiality.’

Scene 19

The first thing visible is a close in shot on a calendar, reading 2024

camera pulls back to find J in a large room, sitting on a chair in a circle of women seated in chairs. One rather elderly woman has a large round button with a child’s face on it. A box of Kleenex sits in the middle of the circle.

Birthmother 1: “Well come on honey, what did you expect, I mean you found these idiots in a freakin’ Pennysaver!”

J: “Well, at this point, at least it’s not that much longer to wait.”

Birthmother 2: “What do you mean?”

J: “After all these years of me searching, he’ll probably come find me once he turns 18.”

(collective gasp!)

Birthmother 3, lip quivering: “Oh honey, I guess they never told you, Minnesota is a sealed records state. He has no access to his original paperwork. He doesn’t know your name.”

Birthmother 4: “Hell, he may not even know he’s adopted!… Sorry. Didn’t mean for it to come out that way.”

Birthmother 5: “Even if he did, do you think he has any idea what state he was born in? Seaching would be a real bitch!”

J looks heartbroken.

Scene 20

A Suburban home, camera pans through the front door, up the stairs, around corners, and into a master bedroom. A middle aged woman with her back to the camera is sprawled across the bed looking through a photo album labeled “Augustine’s scrapbook”. She’s going from back to front, pictures from a high school graduation, a skateboarding teenager, birthdays, soccer practice, sitting on santa’s lap, first communion, baby pictures and finally at the front of the book, a small note, she picks it up, the camera sees “”V: If you’re still in, I’m still in.- J”

The woman places the note back in the envelope, back into the photocorners holding it to the book, then closes the book and sighs.

“$52,000, all those lawyers but still worth every penny!”

Scene 21

Camera focuses on a mail slot in a front door, then pans down; there is no mail beneath it.

Across the room we see J, her back to the camera. She’s halfheartedly strumming a guitar, sitting in a chair looking out the window.
[Fade to black]

End

****************************

The reviewers rave

Dayton Daily Screwed:
“Screwed of the week Dec 13 through 20, 2009″

New York Crimes:
“A refreshingly realistic look at open adoption.”

Dallas Morning Screwed:
“Well, initially we hated it, far preferring the original, but since we’ve been buried alive under a landslide of letters supportive of the second one from Original parents all across the country we’ve come to the uncomfortable conclusion that they’re right- this is a far more accurate portrayal of open adoption. Thanks to our readers for opening our eyes to the truly screwed.”

Washington Toast:
“Should be up for best picture of the year, oh, but she’s just a ‘birthmother’, nevermind.”

And then there’s what outraged religious opposition have to say about it. Operation Oppress-you!:
“Well, we loved the previous one. At the moment we’re running a national campaign to make it a mandatory part of the curriculum for all 3rd graders. But this second one, well, we feel it is far too explicit, we don’t think women should be subjected to the realities of adoption until AFTER they’ve signed the paperwork permanently relinquishing all parental rights to the child.”

[Hint folks, this is a parody]